by Ellen in


think not you can direct the course of
love itselfs directs the course allowed
believe not god is in your heart, child
but rather you're in the heart of god

what do you do
ooh when god moves through you
remember god rests in reason
say i do
i do

it's been awhile since i've written only a week apart. i was going back through all my entries over the past two years, and realized that i was embarrassed by my own thoughts. most of them were complaints and worldly issues that were about guys, my family, my life, my friends. most were negative, and that disappoints me.

but i also noticed a clear point in which my thoughts shifted from those things to the kinds of things i think about now. i tried to read my other entries as if they were by someone else, and eventually, i didn't have to try anymore, because i felt like i was actually reading someone else's thoughts. the person seemed lost and confused and angry and discontent. i was very uninteresting. it's hard to believe that the person writing two years ago is me. there is so much that has changed. it's strange: i feel as if i've been growing into the person that i need to be for the rest of my life. i understand that you're always changing, but the foundation is there. i've been forming my faith and my beliefs in such a way that i'll be able to carry them with me until i'm old. because when you're old, then you really start having fun...

there's still a lot i would like to do. but God has given me peace that i'll get to do whatever i want to do and more, even though most of it will not be of my own plans, but a big fat surprise. i've already had so many incredible unexpected encounters, and i'm excited to see what's in store for me. i like surprises.

i feel a little bit older than i should. God's call could not be any clearer to me than it is right now, because it takes awhile for me to really understand what he's telling me, and i hope that i can maintain this enthusiasm for a long time.

i'm so glad to be on this walk with such good people. though some have distracted me, i've been drawn closer to the ones who spur me on. i'm ultimately blessed.

for the past couple days, i've felt a little cloudy, but as i've been looking back on previous things i've written, i know i've come a long way. God, my chauffeur, has really taken me down some good streets, and we've giggled a lot together. the scenic route is fun. He is an excellent driver.