my foot must be sad, because it is blue.

by Ellen


I'm older than I look I see the man staring at my ID
He reads my face and studies lines no plagiarizing
No copyright. I'm right before your very eyes
When you say my name I'm suddenly I'm young again
Young as he thinks I am.

All the words that I hoped you'd say were stated right there in the cafe
We stayed out late and spoke of the worlds perfections
This perfect date was headed in the right direction
Conversation break, we spoke more in the silence
We got a little lot of what we want



so in the book of Job, Elihu says this to job: "Listen to this, Job; stop and consider God's wonders...therefore, men revere him, for does he not have regard for all the wise in heart?"

let me say something that just happened that was really weird. so i was looking for this one verse, and it usually takes me forever to find verses because i'm so Bible-illiterate. so my Bible was closed, and then i opened it, and somehow, it opened to the page that the exact verse i was looking for was on. i'm not sure if i've ever said this before, but i don't believe in coincidences. i also don't want to trivialize God's power by saying He provided for me by opening my Bible to the page i was desperately searching for. maybe it's a metaphor. can i say that maybe when we're desperately searching, God's there, His hand on our shoulder, guiding us to the perfect place?

so i was looking for this verse for a completely different reason. i was going to complain about how miserable starting school has been and how it has only added insult to injury (literally) to have my foot be hurt. i was going to write that i've been frustrated with God for making me sit still when He knows i loathe it. again, i don't believe in accidents, so the fact that i still can't really walk on my foot has forced me to completely slow down, even stop, which hinders my desire to have my hands into everything. i'm asking people for help, which i hate. i'm sitting in my room with my foot elevated with ice on it, which makes me feel restless. so, i was going to complain about all of that, and also say that God slowed me down for a reason. i've asked Him to use me, but i've been drowing in my own will, and have felt spiritually constipated. constipated? i know, kind of gross, but it was the first thing that popped into my head that fit the context.

my heart feels heavy; i'm in a bit of a rut. i've discovered that i feel this way because i'm not giving every single last bit of myself and my own plans to God. if i'm a follower, i need to follow, not lead; so that as a follower of something bigger, i'm provided with something to lead with on earth. i need to remember that i'm learning from the best.

so this is the verse i was looking for: psalm 46:10: be still and know that i am God.

i feel like this also applies to job and that's why elihu asked him to stop, too. job was submerged in grief, with a severely laden heart, and what seemed to be no end in sight. he had his doubts. i feel like his motto at this time would have been: when it rains, it pours.

all this quiet time God just gave to me, and i didn't use it the way i probably should have. He knows i'm tired, and that i have my doubts, and He gave me this opportunity to renew myself with all of this alone time. i felt blocked, though.

this summer has been a difficult one for seeing the light that i am undeservingly cloaked in.

i've also just realized that this entire message has been about me and my own inner crazy turmoil.

it's not about me, and God's been using someone in my life to live as an example to that truth.

that's why in being still, and in result abstaining from worldly values, we get to know God. being still lets us stop and consider God's wonders, and know Him inside of our hearts, so that when our hearts break open and we have nothing left, God's left in the middle of it, which is where He likes to be, i think.