by Ellen in ,

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life is meaningful
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life it wonderful

today i discovered that i have everything.

i have a really good education that i take for granted. i have an incredible job of which i have yet to realize the magnitude. i have a family that is so dysfunctional, but they are pretty fantastic. i have friends who lay down their lives for each other. and me. i have a warm bed and a bike out back. i have a wonderful person around who is a great complement to me, and whom i try not to take for granted. i have a real relationship with God, which is something i value most when i realize that not everyone has it.

i'm so comfortable.

tomorrow, it could all change. it could all be swept away. i could lose my job, my family, my friends, my school, my sweet boyfriend. what would be left? the only thing that won't disappear is my body and that unconditional love that i may think is lost, but is really there all the time. i try all the time to understand the depth of this love that is always there, in fact, i feel as if it's never not been there. i've always felt loved, and that's a really big deal.

i sat in church and i thought about how it could all disappear. i asked God to wrap me up and help me always see something to be thankful for.

another note:

i always experience Christmas differently every year. but for some reason, no particular way i've experienced it sticks out in my mind. i just know that i discover something new and better about the celebrating the fact that the one who loves me most sent His son with the knowledge that later, He would die for all of us. one birth for all of us, one death so all of us don't have to die. if i were a painter, i'd paint the reluctance of God to decide when Jesus would be born. He knew that when He breathed life into Him, He would be the one to take it away. i can't possibly fathom how long God paced around, with tears of heartache that He would have to give his ONLY and completely perfect son for all of us, the crapheads who don't get anything right.

what would i give up when i know how horrible i am as a human being? my eyes? my legs? nope, thanks, i'd like to keep those. what if i had a kid? if i knew it would save everyone and i had a kid of my own self, could i sacrifice it? nope. that's my kid, find someone else's. Mary wasn't asked to do this. she didn't really have a choice to give up her kid. i sort of see why the catholics think she's so neat. i guess when God chooses you, He provides you with what you need.

it's a good thing He's chosen us. because i like being provided for.