the eternal You

by Ellen in





What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now


I love jason's new album, we sing. we dance. we steal things. it's further proof that he's fantastic. way to go, friend.

it's been about 6 months since i've written anything in here, or anything at all, really. i've been feeling dry in all areas of my life, even though a lot has happened. i got a mac, i've taken 2 courses that change the way i see the world and everyone in it, and i'm almost done with college. i'm not really sure if i'm going to write anything worthwhile here, maybe just a catch up to make myself feel better. only one person i know has died this year, only a couple are getting married, and there have been a few new additions to the world.

my best friend asked me the other day if i've felt like i've matured this year. in some ways, yes, i've become more independent. but spiritually, no. mentally, no. physically, NO. emotionally, maybe. i'm not sure what it is. i think trying to minister to others when i've just begun figuring it out myself is tough on the process of maturation. i've felt rejected by the people that say they love everyone, when, i've discovered, they only love everyone who is "like-minded." it reminds me of the part from Saved where the main character asks, "why would God make us all the same?" or something like that. i know that i have been created different that everyone else, but that difference is what makes me move in time with everyone else in the world.

the biggest thing i've learned this year, and perhaps thus far in my life is that we have it all wrong. and it begins with something that has been lost in translation. my jewish teacher, dr. patterson, tells us that "love your neighbor as yourself" has been mistranslated from the hebrew, which literally says, "YOU are the love you have for your neighbor." why has no one else realized this? because they ignore it? because we want to think of ourselves before we can even start to think of someone else? dumB. who can really say that they love him or herself completely, fully, without wanting to change anything about the why God made them. i don't really know anyone like that. so, instead, in order to love ourselves and discover our divine purpose, we must first look to the other, both temporal and eternal, for it is in loving another do we encounter the eternal Other. when we look into the face of another person, we find all meaning of love, sacrifice, peace, curiosity, and purpose. everything needed to be found is hidden in the soul, and in serving the souls of others, we discover the soul of humanity, and therefore, ourselves.

i'm learning to love myself by serving others, but it's extremely difficult to live by God's commandments. i'm struggling with it more now that i ever have, because i know i'm only called to one thing; it's the getting there that is proving to be the hard part. what road to take? which way? the yellow brick road? or the path less travelled? miles to go.

in 19 days, i'm going to italy. can i help lead a pilgrimage when i've never had my own? i think so. this is what i am called to, because in helping to put young people in the way of grace, i find my purpose. my only prayer becomes, "O God, show me what it is that you have brought me here to find." the possibility of revelation is overwhelming to me.