by Ellen in

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Well, tomorrow I will be done with college. Undergrad, at least. It feels totally anti-climactic, and I feel really apathetic towards the whole situation. I've been trying not to, and my friends have been really encouraging, but I can't help but feel like I've accomplished nothing. No big thesis, no huge academic revelation, nothing like I ever hoped it would be. A long, unnecessary, drawn-out matriculation process where I was only a number, never a face or a name or of any importance at all. Just another statistic. Well, I'm glad to be able to add to the number. I'm not going to the ceremony, I don't want to put my family through that, nor would I want to be embarrassed by the fact that I don't know anyone or want to get a picture with any of my classmates, well, because, I don't know any of them. I had always wanted something different for myself, and this is what I received, and apart from the University, my experiences have been great. I have a great job, great friends, and a supportive family. If I could have anything at all that I wanted, it would be to start over at a new school and get a real degree. Mine feels worthless. It wasn't my choice to go here, I hate Memphis, and I thought my feelings would change over time, but they haven't. It's strange. I can't ignore the trapped feeling I have always had, and I thought by now, it would have gotten better. Now, with life's circumstances, it has only worsened.

I hope that by having faith, I can manage to get through however long it takes to be an adult here before I can leave. I want to go to grad school, live in Italy, travel, not feel guilty, and help people while doing all those things. Having no one to share those dreams with really puts a damper on things, because alone, I don't feel that they are at all possible. I hope they are. I hope that I can walk into lots of classrooms and have the respect for my teacher that I do for Dr. Patterson. I hope that I can grow out of whatever funk this is because I feel so small. I hope that whatever work God has planned for me will be for the benefit of others. I hope that I can see that even it still remains small, it can do big things. I desperately hope to get away from this place but take everyone with me. I hope that I can rediscover someone that betters me spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and that I can do the same for him.

I hope I can grab onto some morsel of accomplishment. Graduating from college is supposed to be a big deal, right? If that's what it takes to convince myself...