afish.

by Ellen in ,


love is real
it is not just in novels or the movies
it is fact
and it is standing here
right in front of you
so if you just open your eyes
oh what a sweet discovery
there is hope and there is joy
and there is acceptance
so let all the light that collects on your plants
keep you warm, make you smile
and i will be there with this pen in my hand
to record all the while
you'll be laughing so loud
that the house would shake with sound
and everything will be as new as the day it was found



i enjoy starting these thingies with words by jason because if i were to write music, i would want it to be like his. he's a lovely poet, i believe, and clever. i think i like his music so much because i really love the words and phrases he uses.

so i've been feeling a bit heavy, and then, all of a sudden, it lifted. i've been praying and praying for God to draw me closer and quiet my heart and to be open to what He wants to tell me. and this is not the first time this has happened; he used human love to crack open my heart to receive more of His love. it became so clear to me last night that i wasn't accepting a gift that He's given to me, and that i've felt guilty for not being willing to take it. and not only is it free, i can give it away freely, too. that's how i know this kind is different.

lying in bed last night, i was moved by the reality of the Spirit. this love is full of the Spirit, and very much thriving in it, and i find myself being surprised constantly by it. my heart's been pulled in a different direction towards the Lord; a direction that is less worrisome and more trusting. again, it's how i know it's different than what i think i've felt before.

it happens to me in waves. i feel this overwhelming sense of rightness and purpose. then i'll feel tired and worn out and even bored.

today the Gospel said that Jesus said if we want to be a disciple, we must give up all our possessions and follow Him. what does that mean? what does it mean for us, in the age that we live in? does it mean we adapt Jesus' words to our culture? and would it even be possible to give up everything? does it mean to live meagerly, without excess, or that a little indulgence every now and then is ok? Jesus spoke with knowledge of His own culture and the way in which people lived, and how much they had. "rich" is a relative term...or is it? to give up all our possessions...to become like little children....to love others unconditionally....to not be the rich man trying to enter the kingdom....holy crap.

are we WAY off? sometimes i think our translations of the Bible have twisted Jesus' words in such a way that they have lost their meaning. every translation is someone else's interpretation of the Word.

i think Jesus was extreeeeeeeme. so should we be. what would it look like to instead of wanting more and more to want less and less? to slowly get rid of baggage and armor and materials. are we only open to the real path if we start with nothing?

can we be in the position love for real and to accept real love only if we've given everything else up first? or can it still be real if we've got other stuff, as long as we make room for it?

what the heck does it MEAN to give up everything and follow Him? possessions, desires...what? i don't get it.

but for now, i hope i can be accepting of this love i've been given. i have a feeling it will snowball into many amounts and i sure hope i can give some of it away.



PS. i'm in love with these young people. they are bright and fantastic and weird and wonderful. they teach me so much more than i could ever learn otherwise. oh, the awkwardness makes them fascinating.