Assorted Thoughts

by Ellen

So now I'm back in Memphis, and I have loved getting see everyone, especially this guy:

And my sweet angel girl:

If I could just narrow my life down to two things, it would be these two creatures. They are the best, but we all know that.

Speaking of narrowing down my life, I am trying to process what is going on in my head. I'm not usually one to dwell too much inside my thoughts and feelings; I feel selfish when I do that and I try to sort through things quickly and then let them go or take action, depending on which is most necessary. However, I am really missing California a lot more than I thought I would, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I am always hopeful because I have a lot of support here in Memphis, but it was really really good for me to be on my own, trying to become who I am. Now I'm back and the person in California is gone, but so is the person who lived her whole life in Memphis. For the first time EVER, I have no idea what I'm doing or who I am or where I will get health insurance. I have no perfect job, no special Midtown house, no direction.

But I do appreciate all the understanding from all my sweet friends and family--they are doing their best to help me avoid thinking/talking about my failure. I am glad you're glad I'm back, and I'm so glad to be back so I can be with you, but I am not glad to be here. I don't want to be in Memphis, I want to be in California. I want to be learning and doing things that I love and going to both of my wonderful churches.

I am sorry, I am just really missing my friends and San Francisco. It was such a good start for me, and now it's over before I really even got anything done. Everyone here is still doing their lives, and where I used to fit in, I don't anymore. And it's fine, I'm just going through what everyone goes through at this age. Most definitely an early quarter life crisis.

So I'ma try to keep it as simple as I can while I figure out what the next step is. I want to pursue healthy and honest friendships, making up for lost time with the people dearest to me. I want to make sure I'm still following God's call for me, even though I'm a little hard of hearing at the moment.

I'm more scared now than I was even when I moved to California. I mean, I quit my life here and left, and now that I'm back, none of it exists. So that's fun.

I'm sorry if I'm sad a lot; it's not you, it's me. I fell too much in love with life on the West Coast, and now I'm a little heartbroken. It's weird, but I feel like a huge relationship has just ended and I can't even stalk it on Facebook or get my friends to ask how it's really doing, even though I know it's perfectly fine without me, while I'm pining away, wondering if there was anything else I could have done to make it work.

Anyway, I'm just not the same as I was 6 months ago, and it feels funny when I try to fit myself into whatever worked for me then. But right now I'm in the wallowing phase, and soon I'll buck up and figure it out little by little. We'll see how it goes.